So, Chas broke up with me on the first day of class. January 14, 2013.
It befuddles me how much can seriously change in just one year. This time last year I was unequivocally and spectacularly in love with a man who I still feel is amazing. I understand why he did it. We both have goals that are pulling us apart, even more apart than the distance which separates us. I just wish he would have done it to my face. I wish I hadn’t felt led on. He doesn’t need me, he never has. It’s always been me wanting, needing, loving, caring and being more. I don’t believe in equal love since it wavers at times but I definitely feel like a fool. He told me he doesn’t see a future for us, and that he felt that way even in Egypt. AN ENTIRE YEAR AGO. I just don’t understand how someone can go that long and not think to even bring it up.
I still think about him. I still love him. I still care.
But I don’t want to. I know he doesn’t feel that way. Some days I wish my phone would ring and it would be him on the line. But I know him too well. I know he won’t ever speak to me again. That isn’t like him at all. I don’t want to believe it, but it’s something I have to come to terms with. All of this makes me feel like our entire relationship was a joke. Why would he string me along, why say things he didn’t truly mean. Why force something he never wanted in the first place?
I can’t decide if I’m angry, sad, upset, frustrated, hurt, broken… I am not one singular term, I am all of them and more. Piece by piece I put myself back together, but some days like today are harder than the rest. I want nothing more than to pick up the phone and call him. I have lost not just a boyfriend, but my best friend and someone I saw as a life partner. It breaks my heart.
It’s all about inspiration, this is where I find mine.